As I have been contemplating on what to write the last couple of weeks, this thought keeps ruminating in the back of my mind. So this post might be a little different, its more of trying to process certain ideas, of reconcialing the head and heart knowledge. Therefore this post is a preaching to the choir. For I am also working through this idea. I say all of this because sometimes when we hear or read about a topic, its easy to think that the authors have it all figured out and no longer struggle with belief. Thus I am writing this saying I haven’t, and I hope that this post will help others in knowing that you are not alone when you struggle through these topics. This doesn’t mean you lack faith, or you have weak faith. In actuality the fact you struggle shows your faith. If we do not wrestle with these ideas, then are we even being challenge in what we think and believe.
Okay, time for some context. Over the years we have observed areas in which the church is lacking. The first being lack of disicpling, second lack of hospitality, and the third is a shallow understanding of God’s word. We had talked about having a group and initally I resisted the idea, I came up with a million and one excuses…our house was to small, we live in a less then nice area, we have too many kids, who would we invited, what time would we do it…and so on. Over the years the Holy Spirit gently worked on these excuses…revealing that ultimately I was scared and embarressed. That our house didn’t met the standards of what is considered successful in the world, and that no one would come. After realizing this was the real issue, I discussed it with my husband and he agreed we should host a group.
Consequently, on the winter of 2023 we launched our small group. We had planned on starting in Genisis and working through the Old Testament, with a focus on how it preaches Christ. Plus we would host it at our house, over dinner. We invited a few friends, a couple that although had been saved for a while were still young in the faith, a neighbor who was actively seeking Christ, and a friend who desired community. The first couple of weeks we managed to met and it over all went smoothly…then things began to fall apart. I kid you not, the number of evants that seem to happen; from storms, to blackouts, to sickness, was unreal. The frustation, confusion and questions that this brought were many. I was and actually still am unsure of why it played out this way. Is this God saying no, is this a sign we are doing something good and Satan is trying to stop it, is this a rough patch we are suppose to push through. Around and around the questions swirled with no clear answer given. The result was we didn’t met most of the winter and spring. Summer rolled around and we had discussed about meeting over the summer. Maybe not every week, but as a way to keep in touch…and our van broke down, people ended up going out of town, sickness happened and so on. Again confusion, again asking God why…still no answer.
Fall arrived and we once more considered starting the group, we were leaning towards the idea that just because its rough, that doesn’t mean you stop. We had also decided to change the format from doing a study, to reading through the book of John. September was busy due with school starting, so we had opted to start the group in October. Then my husband was informed that his at home day would be every Friday. Initially it had been flexible, thus we had managed to keep Friday open. Because the other factor is my work, and we coordinate our schedules so when he is home, I work. For me this was the clear answer, God is saying no. Why I can’t not begin to understand, perhaps in time God will afford clarity. But the confusion I have gone through and still have is at times overwhelming. I felt that this entire time I was being lead/prepared to have a group, my heart and mind had been changed in various areas, and then it was shut down. Discipling and practicing hositality are good things, thus why it didn’t work out, I still don’t know.
As I have written before I am studying the minor prophets. As I was in the book of Haggai what struck me was the idea that if God is not present then whatever you are doing will not prosper. See God through Haggai asked His people if they had noticed that their crops were failing, there was drought and a lack of harvest. He said this due to the fact that the work on the temple had stalled. God had allowed this to happen to get their attention. Their priority had shifted from obeying God to building their own lives. They had become discouraged from building the temple due to the opposition. But God told them that He is with them, that He will provide for them and that they should not fear or lose heart. He says “Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the LORD. Work, for I am with you, declares the LORD of host, according to the covenant that I made with you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit remains in your midst.” Hag 2:4-5. God says that from the moment the foundation was built their lands would prosper, and they will have a plentiful harvest. If what you are doing is God’s will then it will prosper and bear fruit. But if God is not then it will not succeed. So was I really doing this for me? Or for God. I still struggle with the idea that unless I am doing something thats of an ministeral pursuit, then I am wasting my time and building God’s kingdom. But God has given me a purpose, I have a family, a husband, friends, neighbors and my job. That as Paul says to do in Col. 3:23-25 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will recieve the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.” Thus even if I am folding clothes, or talking with my husband, or passing those meds, God sees. If this is what He as called for me right now, then He is present and active. This helped me to see, that even though a study is a good thing, if its not what God wants right now, then its not worth it. Since it is God that brings the fruit. (1 Cor 3:6-9) Is God enough? That question came to mind as I was listening to a Keller message, my immadiate answer was no He isn’t; this led to much soul searching and repentance. God has given me these gifts, and I will use them in His time and in His way. Although I am still confused to why God is saying no, or not right now. I do know that He is good, and I am not wasting my time, or failing God because I not doing something dedicated to ministry. Because my entire life is a ministry. Every time I talk with my kids, or work with my patients, or pray with my husband, that is honoring to God. I don’t have to earn God’s favor, He has freely given it through Christ, and because of that I am free from all guilt and condemnation. So yes I am learning that God is enough, and to give Him glory in everything I do.
Thanks for reading this lengthy post, my prayer is that wherever you are in your walk with Christ, that you may know the depth of love that He has for you. Even though we may not understand the why, we know He hears, cares and loves us. Don’t give up, don’t lose faith. It will all make sense in the end.
Deeper Joy 